So yeah... That's me there. The one in the middle. Yeah...
So babies. I want one. Does my body listen to what I want? Not so much. I have been actively trying to get pregnant without much luck. I am feeling stressed and depressed which I don't think helps the situation. I was pregnant in the fall and lost it very early on. Its amazing how you can sore to great heights then hit the deepest depths all in a 2 week time. Since then we have been trying and trying again. They say the fun is in the trying, but even the trying is starting to feel stressful. I am now struggling with whether I should just put off babies until after revision surgery. I was going to have the baby first, revision after, but as the clock tics along, I'm struggling with my decision. I never understood until now what women meant when they said that they felt a sense of failure at not being able to conceive. I totally get it. I have inadequate feelings all over the place. I worry about the strain on my relationship. I worry about the possibility that there is no possibility. I worry about worrying. I'm ready for a family. This I KNOW. My fiance is ready for a family too. I kind of wish the pressure wasn't there. Dont' get me wrong, he is NOT pressuring me in any way. It's my own doing, my own brain, tormenting away... I needed to get this off my chest because it is a weight that I am carrying around and not talking about. I'm ready for a family with my man.
I want a baby.
A super baby.
with a cape and fancy super baby powers.
Keep your fingers crossed.
signed: Wundy
One of my many awesome happenings since I fell off the wagon is that I got engaged! You know that guy that I had been raving about over the summer? Yeah, that one! We just had our one year dating anniversary a couple weeks ago. Oh how time flies. Well, around Thanksgiving, he popped the question, using my mother's ring which meant a lot to me. Not only was it my mom's but my best friend also wore the ring during her wedding ceremony as her borrowed & blue (the center stone is a sapphire). So needless to say, I'm a happy girl who has spent too much time on pinterest and david's bridal websites as of late. We had a wonderful engagement party thrown by my best friend a few weeks ago. We were so blessed to have shared the day with about 50 friends and family. Of course I cried when we were toasted to (not to mention the sobbing that ensued while I was trying to say a quick thank you to those who came, it was ugly). So that being said, I have been nesting a bit. Eating poorly. Gained a few pounds more than I care to admit. But overall, I have been happier than I can ever remember being. It's been an awesome year in my life. 2012 will be one to remember! Here's a picture of us after a few too many glasses of champagne and a wonderful night of celebration with our nearest and dearest.
I want to cry. I just spent a huge bunch of time and energy writing my comeback post and accidentally deleted it. Wah! I guess it wasn't meant to be. Basically what it said was, I haven't been here and I haven't been being accountable. There are tons of changes that have happened and I am excited to tell you about them. And then I thanked Dawnya at Evolution of a Black Butterfly for reminding me to stay the course. Her encouragement got my ass back over here and motivated to keep doing what I should be doing.
I still have not had my revision surgery. I decided to wait until the 2 year mark as my insurance would like. I should be having my surgery in June/July. I hope to have things straightened out with insurance in time to do it right after school gets done for the semester. How nice would it be to take a month or two off this summer? I'm fortunate in that my job has a benefit where I have a bank of time that can be taken for things like this. Up to 12 weeks! Woot! I'm sad to say that Hurricane Sandy beat the living hell out of the beach that I usually go to. Yep, all those pics of Rockaway Beach that I have posted here were taken in an area just womped by the storm. So, for now, I'm not sure where I would be spending those summer days, but I'm sure I can find someplace sunny! I haven't lost much weight since I last checked in, and I'm happy to say I haven't gained much either. I yo-yo a bit around the same weight, but I'll be trying to get back down soonish. I'm thinking about taking on the challenge of a juice cleanse next week. I got this fancy juicer and just renewed the Costco account, so I may just dive in and start juicin!
Well there is much to catch you all up on. I am going to break it up into multiple posts as not to bore the life out of both of us trying to cram it all in on one page. Look for me in the next couple days to unload allll the juicy gossip. Feels good to be back. Hope you all are having a great new year!
