Who's Up For A Group Challenge??

Back in the day there were all these great BOOBS group challenges.  Well to be frank, I miss those days!  I know not everyone is blogging the way they used to, but are y'all still reading out there??  Can we maybe set up a group challenge again?  Please comment if you'd be interested in joining a challenge, or administering one (I could give it a try, but I know some people have already done it and may find it a little easier than me).  Let me know.  I'm missing the community of the BOOBS.  Though I'm not banded any longer, that doesn't mean that I need our community any less.  Where you at ladies??

New Job, Mom's Rock & 8 Weeks Post-Op

Tomorrow is my 8 week mark post-revision to the sleeve.  I am still chugging along.  They say, slow and steady wins the race right?  (I keep telling myself that hoping I'll believe it one of these times)  Things are progressing, albeit slow.  I've been about 210 for a little bit now.  I admit, I haven't planned nearly as much as I should lately.  I KNOW that I do better when I plan, but that hasn't been the case much.  I have some non-scale victories to report though!  My mom is super sweet and the cutest thing ever.  She sent me $100 to get a few new items to wear to my new job (I'll get to that in a minute...).  In NYC, $100 doesn't usually go very far, so I took my ass to Target and hit the mark down racks, then to Old Navy and hit up whatever sales were going on.  Here is me 8-weeks post op, taking a pic to send to my mom to prove I was buying clothes with her money and not making student loan payments:

Now here is my victory.  I am wearing size 16 pants in this pic (don't mind the crazy hair day I'm having, I think I used a fork for a comb or something), and the pants are actually a little too big!  Not only that, both the top and the sweater are size large and fit just fine!  NO XL's or XXL's here!!  That's a first!  I don't know how long it's been since I was able to be totally out of the XL zone.  I'm shrinking before my very own eyes!  Even though the scale isn't screaming "you've made it to the 100's!" just yet, my body is whispering (...you're almost there!).  I am committing in the very moment to go walking a minimum of 3 lunchtimes this week.  

I mentioned a little while back that I was interviewing for a new position in my hospital where I work.  Well I got the job!!  Woot!!  I gave my 2-week notice and will be starting my new position on October 14.  I am very excited to move on to something more challenging.  Of course this means tons more work, with not a huge pay increase, but I'm hoping that I will be able to prove myself important enough very soon to get a promotion that my new boss said we will have to get the compensation department to note and pay me accordingly.  All in all this has been an excellent couple of weeks.  I have been totally distracted from meal planning and school because of all this new job business, but I'm prepping to have a great fall season.  Squash recipes await!

Ten Things Thursday aka Coming Out of My Slump

1. I'm NOT crazy (and neither are you Dawnya!).  I spoke to the doc and nutritionist and both agree that I have been experiencing Dumping Syndrome on occasion.  This is usually due to poor food/beverage choices.  Funny thing is, I don't make them often, but when I make em, they're pretty bad and the symptoms SUCK ASS.  At least now I know what the heck is going on.  I had thought this only happens with bypass patients, but they assured me that it is now becoming evident that VSG patients also experience this too.
2.  Took a quiz in my Spanish class Monday.  Had no idea about it since I took off class on 9/11, so I quickly learned all new material 10 min before class and still rocked an 88%!
3. Saw my doc/nutritionist for my 6 week follow up as I mentioned before.  I've lost 16 pounds since my surgery date.  I was concerned with a recent stall but I am encouraged by my visit.  I think all will be ok. 
4. Exercise needs priority.  I need to get on this!  Feel free to hold me accountable!
5. I'm still waiting to hear the "official" news on the job I interviewed for.  Seems like it's a Jewish holiday every other day this month.  I'm on hold again. lol.  Keep your fingers crossed.  It's pretty official that I got the job, just all the kinks need to get worked out.
6. I still really want to get a bike.  Just a beach cruiser or something not too crazy difficult to manage.  Anyone got an old one they want to donate to a fat girl, feel free to speak up! ;)
7. The weekend is only 24 short hours away.  I'm stoked.
8. I got volunteered by my fiance to cook dinner for his family for Thanksgiving.  This NYer is going to be cooking a big southern family a Thanksgiving dinner...  IN ALABAMA.  No pressure there!  Not to mention, I'll probably not even have dinner, as we all know that just taking bites to test for seasoning etc will likely be enough to fill me up!  Is it weird that I'm already planning and it's 2 months away?
9. I miss my mama and want her to come visit, but I know it's expensive to fly and that she's saving to come to the wedding in Alabama next summer, so I feel bad even considering asking her to come.  But I miss her.
10. I'm excited to see the Harvest Moon tonight!  The man and I are driving to a nice lookout point tonight at the very south end of Brooklyn to get a nice view.

And there you have it!  Whew... didn't know if I would get through that one!  I'm def in a good mood today.  Hoping nothing knocks it down.

Progress Report?

I'm nearly 6 weeks post-revision.  I average about 700-800 calories a day. My weight hasn't budged in about 3-4 weeks. I am pretty frustrated.  I have a follow up appt on Wednesday with my doctor and nutritionist. I'm hoping to get some recommendations because things should be moving along by now.  I gotta say it's got me a little depressed.  I'd be lying to say I'm not. I've planned much of my meals for the week. Lets hope to see some change soon. 

Ok ok... This is the last one tonight!

Night before surgery 

4 1/2 weeks post-surgery

Again night before...

And today...

 Making any progress?

This is right before Lapband surgery back in June 2011. What a fatty!

Pics!!

These photos are from today which is 4 weeks and 3 days post-revision surgery. I am about 213 now. 

This pic is from 2 weeks 3 days post surgery in a restaurant bathroom on my trip! This was about 218. 

I need to do a side by side!

Ten Things Thursday

I always struggle with these lists of 10 but here goes anyway!

1. I went back to work this week and yes, I am back on a schedule. I seems to be helping with the grazing.  I'm still not really losing in numbers but my clothes are getting bigger.  

2. After being off work for 4 weeks, upon my return I realized just how much I dislike my position. I have been waiting for a job to be posted in another department for a couple months.  It was posted in my absence but the hiring physician was sure to notify me to get in and apply. I was told by someone in the know that I'm pretty much a shoe in for the job.  I had to submit my salary requirements and resume.  I have been in the same position for 8 years so it was a little foreign to me to need to do this.  I asked for a significant increase from my current job on the advice of a friend.  She says men always make more than women because they're not afraid to ask for what they're worth.  She told me to go for it, so I did. I had to remind myself of my worth.

3. During my time off from work we went to Alabama so I could meet my future in-laws. While there we went to Decatur for a day and we fell in love with a park on the Tennessee River for our wedding venue.  I finally know where it is I am getting married! Now to settle on a date!

4. Employee satisfaction surveys happen at work next week.  We are a massive institution with over 20,000 employees in our combined campuses.  Amazingly my department has had the lowest ratings in the entire institution for 2 years running.  Meaning that out of alllll the employees in the entire place, even the people scrubbing toilets, my department has the most dissatisfied employees.  No wonder I want out.  Apparently I'm not the only one.

5. I have no pants that fit.  Well, maybe one pair of jeans, but they are not work appropriate. I wish the weather would change to fall so I can wear my sweater dresses and tights again.  

6. I'm struggling to get into my on,ine course this semester.  The professor is really unorganized and has a haphazard way of presenting the required work which frustrates me. Is makes it very easy to go on Pinterest and create my wishful thinking wedding instead. 

7. Speaking of Pinterest... Man are there some great ideas on there.  I have gotten completely inspired for my wedding and how to make it really awesome making all the decorations myself.  Only trouble is, I would have needed to start making them 3 years ago in order to ready in time.  Looks like I'm going to have to put my mom to work! She's just hangin out being all retired and stuff anyway. ;)

8. I might kick my fiancé if he doesn't stop messin with me right now. Good thing he's cute or he'd already have been kicked twice already.

9. I got some new mini-muffin and mini-loaf pans in the mail from amazon today.  I can't wait to try out a couple of new recipes from www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com.  Anyone try her breqkfast egg bites or mini meat loafs?

10. I need to drink more water and walk more.  Point blank.  Both need to happen. I'm getting better about the walking but the water really needs to get better this week.  I think I need to find a water container that I actually like, maybe that will help. I love water but for some reason I'm slacking on the intake.  

Well there you have it.  I made it through my 10 things.  I don't know how interesting that was but I did it!  Still need to take pics...

4 Weeks Post Revision

I am 4 weeks out from surgery today. I need to take pics but my fiancé has company and it's getting late so it looks like I'll take some tomorrow. I was dropping a bunch of weight in the beginning but things seem to have slowed significantly since the two week mark. I was losing a lot really quick then I went to Alabama for 9 days. I was hoping to see a nice loss after being away from the scale but to my surprise I was down only 1 pound. This past week I lost about 2 pounds. So basically I was dropping like gang busters the first two weeks and the second two weeks only lost about 3-3 1/2 pounds. I get in about 600-800 calories on a typical day. I admit my water intake hasn't been its best. I'm sure that has also been a contributing factor to the constipation I had too. Once that passed it was just the opposite. My tummy was upset and everything went right through me for about 3 days (sorry to be graphic). Today I had a decent day as far as eating goes. I think I did eat out of boredom a couple times though. I've been off work for a month and the anticipation of going back to work tomorrow definitely triggered some emotional eating. Not that I can eat large quantities but I did eat when I wasn't hungry. I hope going back to work and getting back on a regimen will get things back on track. 

There is one thing that I'd like to ask the sleevers out there if they're reading. I had an experience a couple times since surgery that I wonder if anyone else has had. After drinking an iced latte sweetened with some simple syrup (a very small amount, sorry I hate the taste of aspartame, so don't say sweet n low or I'll give you the stank eye!) I had what felt like a strange reaction. I got the cold sweats and felt very nauseated and weak. I am not sure if it was the coffee or the sugar or if I was having a blood sugar drop. It kind of made me think of the "dumping syndrome" that I read about in bypass patients. It felt miserable and wiped me out of commission for a couple hours before I felt ok again, oh and did I mention that I puked a little? Not a full on wretch (again sorry for the gory details) but I did bring up a bit of coffee. Maybe it was the milk?? I don't know what to make of it.  If anyone else has experienced something similar let me know.  And if so, any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Well that is my 4 week report.  On to full solids tomorrow. Easing into it.  Wish me luck. I'll be avoiding the coffee cart tomorrow though, that's for sure!

Ten Things Thursday

I haven't done one of these in a while so let's see how this goes!

1. I am on vacation in Alabama right now.  Meeting the family of my fiancé for the first time. It's been great.  Everyone has been really nice and welcoming so far.  I think they actually like me!

2. I am 17 days post-op and I haven't seen a scale since Sunday.  I have no idea what I weigh at this point.   It's making me crazy. I might sneak off to the scale section at Walmart to day for a sneak. 

3. Being on purées while on vacation is extremely difficult. I don't recommend it.  If you can wait a week and get to soft foods before taking a vacation, do it.

4. All of the clothes I have with me here on vacation are too big. I look pretty silly. That Walmart run is sounding better and better. 

5. I'm not looking forward to the long drive back to NYC this weekend. 15 hours in the drivers seat is no joke. 

6. My shoes don't fit again.  This happened when I got my band too.  All my shoes were too big.  Here I am again in need of shoes!

7. 12 days left of my hiatus from work.  I took off four weeks to recover. This is the longest I have ever taken from work in 20 years.  I am not looking forward to going back yet.

8. 6 days until classes start again.  I'm looking forward to getting back to class.  I'm not looking forward to homework. I guess some things never change not matter how you get.

9. School supplies!! Another excuse to go to Walmart and visit the scales!

10. I'm still sick of protein shakes.

I made it to 10!  More updates when I get home from vacation. See ya on the weekend!

Another... Protein... Shake.

I am so over protein shakes right now.  I cringe at the thought of them. I was on a 3-shake a day pre-op diet for almost 4 weeks before surgery and since surgery I spent the first week having 2 shakes daily and this week is one a day. So lets do the math. 3 a day x 7 days = 21. 

21 a week x 4 weeks = 84. 2 a day x 7 days post op= 14. 1 a day for a week = 7. 84+14+7=105 protein shakes since my pre-op diet started. I want to gag.  I have switched it up here and there. Added some banana or switched brands, etc.  I think today I just hit that wall that I would really like some normal food soon. This whole protein shake madness is going to make me crazy soon.  I just know it. Time to visit my favorite bariatric food blogger Shelly for some shake ideas.  In case you've been living under a rock, here is a link to an amazing resource as a bariatric patient.  Shelly is a gastric bypass patient but so many of her recipes and ideas are terrific for any type of wls patient. Be sure to check out her blog.  www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com

10 Days Out

That's right kids!  It's been 10 whole days since surgery.  Time is flying!  It's sad to think that I'm already 1/2 through my time off work... SOOO we'll stick to the positive things!  Lets look at some stats for instance.

6/18/13 248 lbs -Dr. visit to start the process to seek insurance approval again for revision
7/11/13 240 lbs -Began pre-op diet (it's usually only for 2 weeks but my nutritionist decided she wanted to torture me I guess
8/5/13 228 lbs -Surgery Day! (Seeing that the torture paid off)
8/14/13 218 lbs -First follow up appointment with Dr/Nutritionist

So there you have it folks...  I am officially down 30 lbs from 6/18/13.  And if we want to look wayyyy back to before I got my band starting my pre-op diet in 2011, I was 287 lbs.  (I was even more before that!).  So basically in all from band to post-revision I am down about 70 lbs.  I feel accomplished.  

5 Days Post-Revision

I'm home still recovering from my surgery which was Monday August 5. It's now Saturday and I'm feeling much better. Unfortunately my time of the month has landed in today and its making me sleepy just when I finally feel well enough to get back to some activity. So some progress notes.  The hospital stay was great. The bed is so high tech. Some people might get annoyed by the beds shifting mechanically (built in mechanism to prevent bed sores) but I was thankful for it. I got some of the best sleep there. Since I've been home sleep hasn't been quite as restful. Taking pain meds isn't just a push of a button anymore either. I have to actually get up and take something if I need it. Mostly I don't, but I find myself tossing and turning a bit if I don't. I'd probably be more cozy on the couch, but my man isn't there so automatically the bed is much cozier by default of him and his snuggles.

Eating, or drinking rather has been pretty uneventful.  I have my recommended 2 protein shakes a day.  Sometimes I finish the whole thing, sometimes I don't.  Like yesterday I was feeling a little meh, I added a 1/3 of a banana to my shake for some added sugar to maybe give me some energy (not realizing I was just feeling PMS sleepiness). I could only,ake it through 1/2 of my shake before I was F U L L. Another thing to mention, just because you just have surgery, when the time of the month comes, the cravings are still right there like the annoyingly faithful friend, asking you for salt, sugar, fried carby goodness. I was able to knock this out with some puréed tomato soup topped ever so slightly with Parmesan cheese. All those PMS cravings got their kick in the pants and I felt much better. 3 oz of soup was all I had and it was plenty. I haven't had much to eat outside of that. 

The only other thing is something called "Buddy Fruit". It's all natural fruit blend that comes in those squeeze pouches that they make for kids. I bought these as an alternative to apple sauce, as I could recap it if I couldn't finish it.  They come in small portions, at 3-4.5 oz each. 

These guys are all fruit, natural, and inexpensive. I got them for about $0.69 a piece at Walmart.  They weigh in at about 50-60 calories. It's fruit so yes the sugar content is there so I probably won't continue these once on solids, but for now they're good and help break the monotony (and I can add some to my Prilosec capsule that I need to open and mix with something to take!). 

Finally, my weightloss progress. When I first visited the doctor on June 17, I knew this was the visit where we'd be gathering up my info to submit to insurance for approval. I hadn't been trying terribly difficult to lose weight as I mentioned in previous posts. I am happy to say I am back on track. On June 18 I was 247 pounds. This morning in all my menstrual glory, I was 223 pounds. In 7 1/2 weeks I have dropped 24 pounds. The day of surgery I was 228. 5 days later I'm 5 pounds lighter. Progress I think. I can't wait to see what the next few months holds for me. I'm officially back on track. 

Oh hey, did I mention I had revision surgery?

Because I did! I had surgery yesterday morning. I'm currently in my hospital bed and they just gave me my first tray of food... Or liquids rather. There is an assortment of apple juice, broth, jello and Gatorade. All to be dyed blue and consumed slowly.  Yesterday was a blur. I hesitate to say that it was rough, but it was definitely a blur.  I slept a whole lot. It wasn't until about 9-10am today that I began to feel remotely like myself again.  The catheter has come out. Most of my monitors are now unhooked and I've even managed to take a lap around the floor. I know it all sounds so quick and noble but don't get the wrong idea.  It has been slow going. Being that I work in the hospital where I had my surgery, I've been fortunate to have a couple friendly faces come to visit.  Just waiting on my man to come see me and bring me my phone.  It's been quite the day.  I'll update again later.

OMG 4 DAYS TIL SURGERY!!!!

I'm getting a little anxious as the workweek is winding down.  I plan to be off work for 4 weeks.  I doubt I need this much time off, but screw it, I'm taking it!  I have not taken a full week off work in about 3 years and this is a good excuse to take that break and get refreshed.  I have prepped my job to handle life without me for a few weeks.  Hopefully the place doesn't fall apart in my absence.  You know, I think the whole "prep time" for surgery doesn't get the acknowledgement it deserves.  I have been prepping for weeks to be ready.  Between making sure my work situation is stable for me to leave, there are tons of factors that I needed to address.  Being that I live in NYC and own a car for one!  In NYC you have to alternate side park, which means moving your car daily so you don't get towed or get tickets.  Now I know this sounds like a pain in the ass, but I park in a garage for work, so typically this isn't an issue for me.  But planning to be off work for 4 weeks... that is a whole different story.  So I've made arrangements for my friend to babysit my car.  I've suspended parking at my job for the 4 weeks I'll be out so I don't get charged the typical $48/week to park.  This process is a project in and of itself.  I need to get my butt to the hospital the day of surgery, so for the first time in ages, my spoiled ass will be riding the subway.  Imagine that, riding the subway to get surgery.  Kind of funny to think about.

Aside from the car business, there is shopping to do for supplies post-surgery, there is laundry to be sure I'm not trying to lift crazy heavy items and so I have clean undies.  There is house cleaning to do, nothing like a dirty shower to contaminate my freshly operated on belly!  There is the time out with human resources to arrange.  All this stuff takes time and energy.  Now I'm not complaining, but I AM a full time worker and also going to school.  That's right, add on to the list, make arrangements with my professors to get some leeway with deadlines the week of surgery.  The list never seems to end!  

Needless to say, this can all be pretty stressful.  There are anxieties from the fact that surgery is 4 days away.  There are anxieties about being out of my office for 4 weeks.  There are general anxieties about the whole surgery and this entire process!!  And my coping mechanism for stress is off limits!  Food for comfort is off the table, so I'm left to my own devices to deal with all of this.  Now I'm not whining or anything of the like, but I can say that this post is definitely feeling pretty cathartic right now.  I'm looking at all that I've done so far, and all that I have yet to do to accomplish this goal.  I am committed to this change.  I am ready for the next step of this journey.  4 more days.  That's all I have to get through.  4 more days. 

11 Days Till Revision

Today marks 11 days until revision day.  I have been on my pre-op diet for 13 days and I have lost a total of 9.4 pounds (and 16.6 since my doctor's visit on 6/17/13!).  I have buckled down and gotten extra serious since Monday with the diet.  I was a teeny bit lax with my one meal a day a few times, justifying it of course by the fact that "everyone else only has to do 2 weeks!"  

Now it's all serious business. 11 days to go. 

Pre-op Dieting

I saw the nutritionist on Thursday. Unexpectedly she decided to put me on the pre-op diet right away. So rather than 14 days, I shall be on the wagon for 24 days. I was not prepared for that. At least not mentally. I made a pilgrimage out of NYC to Walmart in NJ in search of lesser expensive supplies. I've got enough protein to feed a small country. I forgot how much will power it takes. It isn't until someone tells you that you can't eat that you find yourself wanting everything in site. So as of yesterday I am on 3 shakes a day and 1 low fat, low calorie meal. I've lost 4 pounds since Thursday. Onward and downward!

August 5th

My surgery date has been set for August 5th. Revision here I come! 

I don't have ALL the same jitters as I had with my LapBand surgery, but I do have a renewed excitement. Thursday I will have my nutrition appointment to discuss all the pre and post op what to dos (and what to don'ts). Next week I'll be seeing my surgeon to sign my consents and get all my pre operative testing orders. In less than 2 weeks I will begin my pre-op mostly liquid diet. I admit I've got a little of the last-supper syndrome.   Having gone through this part of it before, I believe that it's healthy to just have the last suppers and say goodbye to the things you need to leave behind. There is a sort of mourning process that I had to go through for the lifestyle and foods that I needed to leave behind. Once again I am here doing it again.  Not that I can really have much stuff now that I shouldn't. I still have restriction in my band even though it has been empty for months. Bread is still a no-no. Same with many meats and dense foods. I am happy to say good bye, but it is a bitter sweet parting.  

So much to do in the next 3 1/2 weeks. Plans for what to do with my car (living in Brooklyn and being a street parker I have to plan according to street cleaning rules or ask a friend to take the car when I'm in the hospital or down at home). I plan to take off some extra time from work. A little more than I know is necessary, but I have the days so why not take the time! So... August is mine! I go back to work after Labor Day, thus I have to plan and prep to have the time off at work.  I pay bills from work usually so I have to get all that in order to do from home. And the list goes on... 

So as I was saying. The excitement is BACK. But I have so much to do!

I GOT APPROVED!!!

I just got approved for revision surgery and I could not be happier.  I am on top of the world.  I am waiting to hear back with my surgery date.  I have already cried.  I am on my way now.  Watch out world! Here I come!

Big Day Today!

I saw the surgeon today and we have officially submitted to insurance for approval for my revision to the Gastric Sleeve.  I reviewed the insurance requirements and I fit all of the outlined requirements.  I just have to pray to the universe that I get a good natured insurance worker to look at my request with a kind heart and say "well of course she's approved".  That is what I am putting into the universe to happen.  I should hear from them within the next week.  If all goes well I will have my revision at the end of July or beginning of August.  Just enough time to heal and get back in shape for school in the fall.  For now, I have to get back to the pre-op days of getting myself ready for the liquid diet and all that other jazz.  Keep your collective fingers crossed for me.  I can use all the positive energy you can all muster.

2 Year Bandiversary

Me and the Fiance (and some random extra boobs for those who are looking)

Today is my 2 year mark.  I thought it appropriate to get my butt on here and to do a little reflecting.  2 years ago, I had my Lapband put in and I was gung-ho ready to go.  I was single, determined and focused on me.  I had spent a couple months prepping to have my surgery.  Did my pre-op diet.  Made a friend on one of the forums, who till today is one of my biggest supporters.  She had her surgery 2 weeks before me with the same surgeon.  She has had some pretty impressive success.  She has lost over 100 pounds.  She looks phenomenal.  I however have not had as much success.  I have crossed some hurdles, but have not come anywhere near reaching my goals.  I decided to reflect on why. 

Firstly, I have a tendency to take care of others before myself.  I never put myself first.  Ever.  About two months after my surgery, a friend was going through a personal crisis and came to me for help.  Being the do-gooder that I am, of course I obliged.  This resulted in having a friend bunk with me in my apt for 2 months.  Round the clock stress, court dates, restraining orders, etc. all came along with this friend.  Things I had no business trying to help one maneuver while going through my own life transition.  It distracted me from my goal.  It took me away from my focus.  This was the beginning of my failure to succeed. 

Secondly, I was having a terrible time with my band.  I would get a fill, be alright for a while.  Have some success.  Be on track.  Lose some pounds.  Then kaplow!  I'd get stuck, or my monthly cycle would come and I would retain fluids to the point that my band would be tight beyond the point of being able to even get fluids down without issue.  I would then have an unfill, and wind up back at square one.  This would also come along with tons of issues at the doctor because my port is testy and doesn't always like to reveal itself too well.  I would be stuck sometimes 10-15 times, sometime by 3 different doctors/nurse practitioners, who all had to keep going because I couldn't even get in fluids.  Sometimes I'd even drive to northern NJ from NYC to see a particular NP because he was the only one who seemed to be 100% successful at getting into my port every time. 

Because of all the issues with my band disagreeing with me, I developed some pretty intense anxiety.  I was feeling depressed at my lack of success.  I was feeling angry for not being able to stay on task.  I was beating myself up pretty badly in the emotional department and I finally gave up.  My surgeon agreed that the band was just not for me.  I was one of those people who it just does not work for.  My body doesn't like it.  That being said, she discussed revision with me.  We decided that revision from the band to the Gastric Sleeve was the way to go.  That being said, we put things into motion.  I went for an upper endoscopy, another psych evaluation, bloods, etc.   All the prerequisite things necessary before surgery.  We submitted the request to the insurance company, and this is where I hit another wall.  Denied. 

My BMI was at 39.6 or something like that.  They require a BMI of 40.  (REALLY?? WTF!!!).  Then they also have a stipulation that it must be 2 years at a minimum from the original surgery for me to be considered for revision.  This was last September.  9 months would have to pass before I would be allowed to have my revision surgery.  Again I felt so defeated.  I considered going to Mexico for surgery and financing the cost.  I considered getting a lawyer to fight the insurance company.  I considered all sorts of things.  At the end of the day, I would end up having to bend and conform to my insurance company's policy and wait it out.  All the while not losing a single pound because if I did, I would not have a BMI adequate enough for the revision.  I need to get this band out.  Even with it completely emptied, I still get stuck.  I still have pain with every meal.  I still struggle. 

Lastly, I had lost motivation.  I did keep on walking.  Actually I have upped my physical activity.  I believe it is what prevents me from gaining.  I'm not losing and I'm not gaining.  I stay within the same 4-5 pound range at all times.  But my umpf has been gone for some time.  Until now.  Next week on Wednesday, I will be going to my surgeon to start the approval process all over again.  At least she has my back.  She has been totally supportive throughout this process.  Though I have not had the success that I would like, I have had some.  I have lost and maintained the loss of about 55-60 pounds which is no small feat.  Being that I still have close to 90 to lose, I am a long way from my goal.  I came back her because I need to return to being accountable.  Blogging helped me stay focused.  It helped me stay accountable, mostly to myself.  All this being said.  Happy 2 year bandiversary to me.  I wouldn't take back my decision to have had surgery at all.  It was one of the best life decisions I have ever made.  It was a decision that I made for ME.  I did this for ME.  I am doing the revision for ME.  There is nothing wrong with doing something for yourself.  It is the best gift you can give those around you, making yourself happy.

See you folks next week after the visit with the surgeon.  I hope there will be good news to report.  And for the record, I have not stopped reading your blogs, I just finally found my voice again after a hiatus.  I hope you all are still reading too.

Emo... Super Emo.

So yeah... That's me there.  The one in the middle.  Yeah... 

So babies.  I want one.  Does my body listen to what I want?  Not so much.  I have been actively trying to get pregnant without much luck.  I am feeling stressed and depressed which I don't think helps the situation.  I was pregnant in the fall and lost it very early on.  Its amazing how you can sore to great heights then hit the deepest depths all in a 2 week time.  Since then we have been trying and trying again.  They say the fun is in the trying, but even the trying is starting to feel stressful.  I am now struggling with whether I  should just put off babies until after revision surgery.  I was going to have the baby first, revision after, but as the clock tics along, I'm struggling with my decision.  I never understood until now what women meant when they said that they felt a sense of failure at not being able to conceive.  I totally get it.  I have inadequate feelings all over the place.  I worry about the strain on my relationship.  I worry about the possibility that there is no possibility.  I worry about worrying.  I'm ready for a family.  This I KNOW.  My fiance is ready for a family too.  I kind of wish the pressure wasn't there.  Dont' get me wrong, he is NOT pressuring me in any way.  It's my own doing, my own brain, tormenting away...  I needed to get this off my chest because it is a weight that I am carrying around and not talking about.  I'm ready for a family with my man. 

I want a baby.
A super baby.
with a cape and fancy super baby powers.
Keep your fingers crossed.

signed: Wundy

I Said Yes!!

One of my many awesome happenings since I fell off the wagon is that I got engaged!  You know that guy that I had been raving about over the summer?  Yeah, that one!  We just had our one year dating anniversary a couple weeks ago.  Oh how time flies.  Well, around Thanksgiving, he popped the question, using my mother's ring which meant a lot to me.  Not only was it my mom's but my best friend also wore the ring during her wedding ceremony as her borrowed & blue (the center stone is a sapphire).  So needless to say, I'm a happy girl who has spent too much time on pinterest and david's bridal websites as of late.  We had a wonderful engagement party thrown by my best friend a few weeks ago.  We were so blessed to have shared the day with about 50 friends and family.  Of course I cried when we were toasted to (not to mention the sobbing that ensued while I was trying to say a quick thank you to those who came, it was ugly).  So that being said, I have been nesting a bit.  Eating poorly.  Gained a few pounds more than I care to admit.  But overall, I have been happier than I can ever remember being.  It's been an awesome year in my life.  2012 will be one to remember!  Here's a picture of us after a few too many glasses of champagne and a wonderful night of celebration with our nearest and dearest.

I want to cry.  I just spent a huge bunch of time and energy writing my comeback post and accidentally deleted it.  Wah!  I guess it wasn't meant to be.  Basically what it said was, I haven't been here and I haven't been being accountable.  There are tons of changes that have happened and I am excited to tell you about them.  And then I thanked Dawnya at Evolution of a Black Butterfly for reminding me to stay the course.  Her encouragement got my ass back over here and motivated to keep doing what I should be doing. 

I still have not had my revision surgery.  I decided to wait until the 2 year mark as my insurance would like.  I should be having my surgery in June/July.  I hope to have things straightened out with insurance in time to do it right after school gets done for the semester.  How nice would it be to take a month or two off this summer?  I'm fortunate in that my job has a benefit where I have a bank of time that can be taken for things like this.  Up to 12 weeks!  Woot!  I'm sad to say that Hurricane Sandy beat the living hell out of the beach that I usually go to.  Yep, all those pics of Rockaway Beach that I have posted here were taken in an area just womped by the storm.  So, for now, I'm not sure where I would be spending those summer days, but I'm sure I can find someplace sunny!  I haven't lost much weight since I last checked in, and I'm happy to say I haven't gained much either.  I yo-yo a bit around the same weight, but I'll be trying to get back down soonish.  I'm thinking about taking on the challenge of a juice cleanse next week.  I got this fancy juicer and just renewed the Costco account, so I may just dive in and start juicin! 

Well there is much to catch you all up on.  I am going to break it up into multiple posts as not to bore the life out of both of us trying to cram it all in on one page.  Look for me in the next couple days to unload allll the juicy gossip.  Feels good to be back.  Hope you all are having a great new year!