Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Lying is something that bothers me.  I believe that people should be allowed to see the truth and make their own choices based upon it.  I do not like to be lied to, and I don't really feel comfortable with lying to others.  After a long talk with a friend last night, I came to the realization that I may be lying to people inadvertently by withholding my truths. 
Now don't get me wrong, I don't feel that we all need to be an open book for all to see all the time.  I do however feel as though I have been holding up a shield to people in my life, especially family members, as a way of shielding them, or myself (or a bit of both).  There are a set of assumed expectations that I may have created for myself, or that have been influenced by past experiences with my family.  These expectations, or rules that I hold myself to cause me to hold back a lot when interacting with them.  I try not to ruffle feathers, or offend too much.  I know that I can come across rather crass at times.  I have been on my own for a long time and I think that this has caused me to build up defense mechanisms that might be a little unnecessary at this point in my life.  I have 4 brothers, and in a way I think males are held to a different set of standards in how they carry themselves through life.  I haven't had much example of an example by females within my family.  I have never seen a female family member be independent, single and self sufficient.  Until my mother's boyfriend passed away a couple years ago, she had been coupled, as well have my female cousins and such.  I have held fast to my father's advice of "Never be a man's luggage, always be able to carry yourself", and at times I feel it come to bite me in the ass.  Here I am 35 and I have no man to rely on let alone to share my life with.  Yes I date.  Yes I have some close friendships.  But I am single.  Very much so single.  There is this barrier that I hold up which protects me in some imaginary way.  If I don't have to depend on a man, then I couldn't possibly be hurt too badly...  right??  Yeah.  Right.  So all these expectations.  Self imposed expectations in the guise of familiar ones.  This learning process is immense.  Self exploration is at it's height right now.  Man o man.

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